Browns Run Record to 8-0...Lose Woodson

Browns fans rejoice...the playoffs are a certain and the record is still perfect. After a comeback win over "Bill and the Befuddled" and a blowout of the Ponies the team has been playing at a high level all season. However, not all smells well in the "State of Denmark"...we lost CB Charles Woodson for the season, and he will be missed in the playoffs. His tireless work ethic, leadership and mere presence on the field was paramount to a defense ranked #1 this season. That means it is time for one of the many Browns young CB's to step into the massive void and take the bull by the horns. Coach Thomson knew what he was doing loading up on CB's before the season, and the reason was this exact scenario. Breath easy Browns fans...our team will be just fine.

First, let's go back 2 weeks. The scene, Foxboro, MA...down 24-6 fourth quarter...all seemed lost. It would have been easy for our beloved Brownies to fold the tents and just say "It's not our day." But no, they didn't say that, they dug in their heels like a mule with a hemmorroid and wouldn't go anywhere. Wins like that are character builders and message-senders. Bill and his boys may vow that "Cleveland will never beat us again" (NEVER tell a secret to McDowell...he can't keep one! RAT!) but we saw the inner soul that day, the real Patriot personality on full display. Yes, we will see them again, maybe even twice, but unlike the rest of the league that has gone 0-19 against Befuddled Bill over 2 seasons, we in Cleveland do not fear the Patriots...yes respect...fear no. The other teams don't have the "Home-wrecker" DeMarcus Ware...they don't have "The Savior" Philip Rivers with balls of brass...they don't have the "Battering Ram" Steven Jackson...and most of all, they don't have the brain of Coach Thomson. A man of patience and virtue. A man who knows how to gameplan and stick to it. A man who knows how to change and vary. That my friends is priceless. The win in New England was like watching a giant "shit tsunami" that only Trailor Park Supervisor Jim Lahey could comprehend. A shit tsunami so big it even made Fake Bill cuss like a sailor.

The Ponies this week had no idea what they were in for. I guess the roof on that brand new domed stadium even stopped working when the Browns came to town because the temperature was 38 degress. We just simply smiled and made it seem like home. Yes, home in Cleveland in November...such a wonderful time of year...when the leaves are ready to be raked, and the weather could freeze the balls off of Godzilla. We welcomed the cold air, and Indy should have known better. If you build a dome...play in it...don't make us feel like we are at home!

Now, we welcome the Hibernating Handicapped Bears to town. A team so handicapped, confused and rattled that Coach McDowell may have to turn to another Young Offender for Madden tips. That Young Offender should be careful because the last YO to help the Bears ended up 6 feet under (TRUE STORY!). The man is a snake, a back-stabber, a rat, a big-mouth and most of all a LOSER. He knows it, that's why his bluster and aimless antigonism is always so loud, covering an insecure interior that is surely just shards of shit pellets by now. He can talk about Big Bend-Over and CJ all he wants...it hasn't worked...nor will it this week. The final dagger shall be sliced quickly and heartlessly into his team's jugular, and the league will rejoice inwardly, for we know that nothing we do in Cleveland will be congratulated. There is simply too much envy and pain in the past for anyone to shake our hands or give us a "high five", and that we understand Cleveland fans. The league puts a premium on our scalp, and that's the way the Patriots like it...staying under the radar...but THEY are the hunted...THEY have the title belt around their waist...for now.

~Anonymous Cleveland Browns fan

Browns Honor Bernie Kosar

Bernie Kosar Night

Week 5 vs Giants

Cleveland, OH -The Cleveland Browns are set to celebrate and honor one of their prodigal sons Thursday night when they host the New York Giants. Beloved QB and University of Miami alum Bernie Kosar will be honored before the game as part of Home Coming week for the Browns. The original "Dawgfather" Snoop Dooggy Dog will be the Master of Ceremonies for the event. "I have been a fan of the Browns all my life. I just wore that Raider gear cuz it was Gangsta. But Cleveland is where my heart is. Bernie deserves this man. The guy is a hero to so many. I will have some new rhyms for Bernie come Thursday night, and maybe even bring up some of my Girls Gone Wild honies for the event. 'Fo snizzle."

Event MC "The Dawgfather" scheduled to appear.

The party started in earnest Wednesday with the arrival of the Browns Caravan and a steady stream of campers getting ready for Thursday's game. Browns fans travelled from as far away as Miami to Nova Scotia as the Caravan made its rounds. "I have been on this bus 2 weeks. I was the first one picked up in Miami, drove to Wolfville, then headed here to the stadium parking lot." said life-long Browns fan Darrell Thomas. "This is a night I would not miss for the world. Bernie deserved to be honored for everything he did. And to have The Dawgfather here too... doesn't get any better."

Browns Caravan and fans arrive at Cleveland Stadium Wednesday.

The night will be the first time Bernie has been back since then Coach Bill Belichick jettisoned Cleveland's prodigal son in the franchises worst moment since the Great Depression. "What Coach Belichick did was horrific. I mean the guy has no brains, no class, no personality and no feel for the city of Cleveland. We are so glad we got rid of him for what he did to Bernie. And this is just the first step in getting him back in the fold." said Browns Owner Derek Thomson. "It is a chapter in our history that we want to fix, resolve and reclaim."

Coach Belichick The Villain is signed by New England after 3 years at helm of Browns.

Some Giants fans also arrived Wednesday in their state of the art travel mobile. Giant fan Roddie Saffrin made the trip from 3 Limp Crossing, NJ. "I know it isn't much, and yes we did steal it from the TMA Centre for the Handicapped, but she is a beauty isn't she? Runs like a top. All the newest technology in it. Luggage rack, wheelchair lift for kiddie rides and even a fake face-mask for catching our roadkill meals. LT even gave us directions to all of the Middle and High Schools in the area in case we got lonely while we were here." For the Browns fans who arrived early, the sight of the Giant Caravan was simply too much to take. "We are just tired of degenerants coming into our city, especially NY/NJ garbage. Yes, maybe throwing bottles at them and driving their bus into Lake Michigan was overboard, but sometimes you just have to do it." said Browns fan Darrell Thomas.

Giants Caravan "The 3 Limp Crossing" Express before and after.

Game time is set for 8:30pm and today's incident has only fueled the fire of this game. "I just wish I was playing in this one." said Kosar. "I never liked anything about New York."

BROWNA WIN...Bears Staff Blows OFF Steam

Bears Locked Down by Browns 18-0..McDowell & Ditka Find Time to Celebrate Anyway

It takes a special breed of athlete to forget a loss and move on, but the Chicago Bears coaching staff took things a step further Tuesday night. With their season on the "rocks" once again, Bears Coach Mike Ditka and Assistant Weekend Water Boy McDowell were found in Reflections Cabaret in Coldbrook late into the evening...and Bears fans were none to happy. A random "pole" on the street found that 99.9% of Bears fans were unhappy that their entire coaching staff are card-holding members at the club. "It really irks me that they carry on as this macho team, and in reality they are closer to The Village People than the Purple People Eaters." said Coldbrook resident Jaybird. "I have known those guys since, well, I guess I didn't know them at all."

GO BEARS GO!

BEARS TEAM PHOTO Madden Bowl 8

Assistant Weekend Water Boy McDowell was quick to downplay the hub-bub over the late night clubbing. "I don't see how dancing with hunks at a club has anything to do with anything. So what if we worked up a bigger sweat at the club that we did during the game. I didn't want to get my new jersey all dirty. Weren't those jersey's great though? I think they bring out the lightness in my eyes. Mike likes me to be femme... I guess HE didn't watch Brokeback. I like my men rough and husky. That's why I love my Mikey so much."

The Browns were just happy to leave Soldier Field in one piece with everything intact. Coach Thomson was appalled at what he both saw and heard on the field. "Simply disgusting. The Bears...if they could play football as well as they can play pocket-pool in football pants, well, they would be undefeated. I just am glad we don't have to come back here again this season."

CHICAGO BEARS FIGHT SONG